Girl Nasty

blueshoe711:

Jeeze, you’re talking to your friends about her incontinence pads in front of her, and you wonder why she gets nasty?

southarkansas:

sounds like you need to talk to close friend of hers or someone professional and let them talk to her about the problem.Its hard enough getting old with the problems it brings on.Threating her about old folks home is not the answer

Janice F:

Oh my. There are a few things I see going on here. First of all, why are you talking about such a thing in public with other people? Try putting yourself in her shoes. She knows she’s old, and sickly, and not able to help herself like she did when she was younger. She must be feeling so humiliated just to have to come to grips with the fact that you have to “change her diapers” when she used to change yours. She is no longer independent. You have to come and “do” for her when she probably dwells on the stuff she used to be able to do.

The nastiness may likely come from all the public discussions of yours. Not sure, but do I detect a little of resentment on your behalf because you feel you were cornered into being a caretaker? Maybe you need a little counseling or group therapy for people in your situation. You do need some respite, that’s true. It is exhausting caring for our elders, but does she feel like you think it’s an imposition to be there with her? Do you two just trade hurt feelings and insults? Maybe you can sit down and just talk about “her” past. Just talk, converse. Have tea together, relax. For no reason. Does she have visitors? Are you too controlling and she resents it? You can’t know unless you ask. Wouldn’t you be a little cranky if someone came in and started talking with strangers about how you had to have someone wipe your ****.?

Above all, try to be more considerate of her changes in lifestyle due to age. She is probably contemplating a very short future with an eventual visit from the grim reaper. That is a scary proposition for most older people. Death is an unknown. Like a youngster, she probably used to see your threats to put her in a nursing home as the certain kiss of death. Older people often view nursing homes as the last stop on the train of life believing that once you enter one you never leave. Your constant threatening has yielded no followthrough so she is probably more irritated than frightened now.

Please try to adjust your thinking because your grandmother won’t be around for very much longer. Once she is no longer with you, all that wisdom she has gleaned from just living so long will also be gone. No longer will she be there to share her nuggets of experience in life. It is a loss to you as well when part of the family living record is missing. Maybe it bothers you that she has the nerve to leave you by having the temerity of dying on you.

Would you want to be treated harshly when you are your grandmother’s age and infirmity? Your question sounds a little hostile. You are not the center of attention in this. You are to be commended for the help you give your elder, but it is our duty if at all possible to help make our elders’ trip down this road easier, not full of resentment and hostility. How do you think she will feel if you don’t take the time to discuss with her that you are going away for a little while. Have her meet the person who will be caring for her, or have your substitute family member over just to have a cuppa and shoot the breeze.

Use tact when you break the news. Older people don’t always handle change very well. They want to feel safe in their environment even when you leave for a time. Grandma may feel anxious so you will have to cover that territory many times before you leave. Make sure she has plenty of her favorite candies, puzzles, kleenex, comfort foods, etc. Don’t overreact when she tries to make you feel guilty for “abandonning” her. She’s a big girl, she will be in good hands tell her. Reassure her that you will be returning. Then take your vacation. Relax and enjoy yourself. Take the time to refresh yourself. Then go home and bring Grandma a little token of your trip showing that you thought of her. Leave gran a bouquet of flowers every now and then and address the card “From your secret admirer” but don’t tell her it was you.

These are just some things I thought of to help you think because you maybe are too involved and have lost a little perspective. I love to talk with older people. They are little treasure troves of history. Their first car, plane ride, radio show, talking movie, first kiss, how they survived the depression or the war. All that stuff is fascinating. I have spent hrs. and hrs. in nursing homes listening to stories. They are history on two legs and I love to listen to them. They get that little glint in their eye when they talk about their first trip to the bootlegger when Prohibition was on. Or, they scowl as they relate their harrowing experience running from Hitler’s Germany or the guys who were in Pearl Harbor or the tough old salts who were in the Merchant Marines or the French Foreign Legion. The blush of rememberance of their first dance with a man. Everyone has a story.

I hope all works out and you make the best out of life that you can with the amount of time that you have.